Escape from Boring, Michigan

I do not live in the most exciting town to begin with.  Well let’s face it, its flat out boring.  If there were a fun factor rating system, I imagine Lansing would rate somewhere between watching grass grow and getting a colonoscopy.  For many families, boredom or cabin fever is a winter or spring issue, which summer usually cures.  However, for us, summer can be a bit of a problem.  The warmer weather means that the park, lake, etc. (all the Luke-friendly spots) are busier.  Not JUST busier, but busier with little defenseless children and their helicopter mammas.  This isn’t an issue for Luke so much as for me (and Ego doesn’t care for it either). Luke is content to just run down the smaller humans if they happen to be on “his” swing, or get too close to the small area of Lake Michigan that Luke has laid claim to.  Because I guess for Lukie, nothing says "fun weekend" like watching his mom explain to angry parents that her son’s sense of space is off, and that he really didn’t mean to barrel right over their precious bundles of joy. 

But, we’ve SOOOO done the local parks and playgrounds, and Lil’ Mama and I definitely needed some new scenery.  Throw in an invitation from a family member that hasn’t been seen in about 15 years, and I decided we’d risk a trip to the Detroit Zoo.  On a Saturday.  When the temps were pushing the high 90s and the humidity had turned the air into a sauna.  I come up with the best ideas, no?

I think we made it through about 1/3 of the zoo before we gave up.  The heat was ridiculous, and many of the animals had gone in search of cooler pastures.  Thankfully, neither of the kids noticed.  Lil’ Mama's only concerns were whether or not her painted face was holding, and where the cotton candy booth was located.  

The only excitement came when I convinced (ok...forced) Luke to ride the carousel.  His favorite playground toy is the merry-go-round, so I knew he’d love it.  Apparently I knew this more so than Luke, who wanted nothing to do with a platform full of seahorses and fish.  He growled...he screamed...he tried to make a jump for it right over the enclosure fence, but for once I was prepared.  I set Lil’ Mama on a horse, wrapped Luke’s arms around a shiny gold pole, and then wrapped myself around a pissed-as-hell Luke.  And prayed that the carousel started soon.  

The thing about praying is its really the same as wishing, and it turns out that wishes do not make the Detroit Zoo carousel go ‘round (in fact the only thing that DOES is $2 per person).  But finally, after what seemed like a decade, the ride began.  And sure as shit, as soon as it started up, I could feel Luke immediately relax.  He closed his eyes, threw his head back, and just enjoyed the sensation of spinning.  Maybe one day this kid will get that I know him better than he thinks. 

I'm sorry....I should WHAT?

"You should write."

It's a comment I've heard more than once in the past year (and yes, from more than just my mom).  Even though I have no writing experience, and even though I've never shown an interest in writing. But friends and family say that stories like mine need to be told.  I think this may, in fact, be code for "I'm tired of listening to this shit," or "you talk so much you may as well write it down."  BUT we're gonna pretend that said friends and family really think I'm fabulous and just waiting to be discovered.  And that one day a movie will be made of my life's work (a real one, none of that lifetime womens' struggle nonsense).  Seriously mom, it could happen (I'm assuming she's the only one reading this).  So now enter the players...

Player #1 - Jennifer ("Me") 

I'm sure you'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about me as this progresses.  But, I want to be played by Natalie Portman, because I think she's just as beautiful and smart as I.  Or I am just as beautiful and smart as her?  Regardless...this brings me to Player #2...

Player #2 - My Ego 

As its a very healthy size, it feels it deserves its own star status.  It wants to be played by Angelina Jolie of course, because it would have to be someone with slightly more star power and beauty than Natalie.

Player #3 - Lucas ("Lukie") 

He's my 14-year-old-going-on-4.  Or maybe 6.  At certain times, maybe even 8ish. Since he hardly speaks, its somewhat difficult to gage.  Classic autism will cloud up a situation like that.  If its still even called classic autism.  Classic...severe...low-functioning...who the hell cares?  I can assure you that what is SHOULD be called is "life is a bitch, and here's your proof."  My child isn't the proof...he's generally an awesome kid.  But autism, and the way it makes him behave at times, is all the proof I need that the line about God not giving you more than you can handle is a complete crock of shit.  Either that, or God got the address of my uterus wrong.  Oh, and did I tell you this is NOT going to be one of those "autism is workable and autism will be like a gift from the fairies every day of your blessed life" kind of blogs?  If that's what you are looking for, you may want to click that little "back" button now.

He needs to be played by a young Johnny Depp.  Only Depp would get how Lukie can be goofy, lovable and a little frightening all at the same time.

Player #4 - Sophia ("Lil Mama") 

My 5-year-old-going-on-25.  Sweet and loving, but also headstrong, stubborn, smart as hell, willful, and pretty much any other word that fills in for "stubborn."  She reminds me of someone very familiar, but at the moment this person's name eludes me. At any rate, you all better take note because one day she will rule the world.  Not like the president, but more in a diva pop star kind of way.  Which is really better, because once a large corporation asks her to endorse one of their products, she'll have more power than the president anyway.  She will just need direction to ensure that she uses her powers for good and not evil.  At this point, I'm thinking it could go either way.  Stay tuned.

She needs to be played by Whitney Houston.  NOT pre-Bobby Brown Whitney...but right after they started dating.  When Whitney was at her most diva-ish and talented, and had not fallen victim to the crack yet.

The last two alone are enough to have turned my sweet little house into a mountain of madness on a daily basis.  More to come...